Misfits, Gemstones, and Other Shattered Magic (Dowser 8) Read online

  “But …”

  He raised his hand. “Trust your elders, Jade. The opportunity for peace talks with the elves is long past. Now, where is this tempura you promised?”

  He swept from my office without another word. I shoved the elf tech into my satchel and was pleased to feel the space within it enlarge to accommodate the device. As an engagement gift, Gran had finally added the expansion charm to the bag that I had repeatedly requested.

  I pulled out my phone to text Kandy. The treasure keeper has made a request for prawn tempura.

  Grinning in anticipation of Kandy losing it over Pulou joining us for my bachelorette dinner — and me therefore forcing her hand over picking up sushi — I followed the guardian out of the office.

  After dragging Pulou into my apartment upstairs, then distracting him with an award-winning Porcelana chocolate bar from Amedei because I couldn’t find the second container of pastries, I retreated to the bathroom. Quickly scrunching some product through my still-damp hair, I fished my hair dryer and its diffusor attachment out of the drawer.

  I was willing to part with the rare, expensive chocolate — with its harmonious notes of rich cocoa powder, honey, and red fruit — only because I still had two other bars, purchased with a gift certificate I’d won through a silent auction held by my small-business association. After the incident with Bitsy in the butcher’s shop down the street, I’d been slightly worried that I’d be ostracized from the group. But I had cut a cheque for the meat the unfortunate werewolf had consumed, and Dave hadn’t said a word about the incident since. Not even the fact that the damage to his stainless steel cupboards had miraculously disappeared overnight.

  Thanks to Blossom, of course.

  Thinking about the shiny new state of my bakery kitchen downstairs, I found myself wondering whether the brownie actually chose to ‘serve’ me because I made the best messes. I mean, in addition to how much she loved being able to sneak up on me.

  A text message flashed on the screen of my phone.

  >Gotcha, babe. Doubled the order.

  Trust Kandy to be completely unfazed that a guardian dragon was coming to dinner. Though with elves running amok, it was probably only a matter of time before Haoxin or my father showed up. Vancouver was technically Haoxin’s territory, and Yazi functioned as the executioner of the guardians. And I had no doubt that he’d be fulfilling that role unless I was successful with my hastily planned negotiations.

  Though as I thought back on my conversation with Pulou in the office, it seemed obvious that the guardians didn’t have a surefire way of finding the elves either. Except maybe if the far seer got involved? Though even then, I wasn’t certain that his visions came with detailed directions to enemy hideouts.

  A nagging thought occurred to me — as they often did when I was wielding my hair dryer. So leaving my hair still partly damp, I wandered back down the hall to check on Pulou.

  He was standing before the TV, holding the chocolate bar in one hand while he navigated the menu of my Apple TV. He selected Netflix, then scrolled down to Downton Abbey.

  All righty, then.

  “Um, treasure keeper?”

  He grunted.

  “You don’t have more prison cells in Vancouver … or the immediate area, do you? More stashed elves, or demons for that matter, that no one knows about, but should probably be checked out? Because of, you know …”

  Pulou didn’t bother looking my way. “No.”

  “Ah, good. Good.”

  The treasure keeper bit into the chocolate.

  And chewed.

  Chewed.

  He was chewing a twenty-five-dollar bar of chocolate.

  Seriously, I almost reached for my knife. I almost launched myself across the room to snatch the precious bar from his ignorant, ham-fisted hands …

  I got myself under control, slowly turning away. Then, because we were already communicating so very well, I asked another question. “That’s what the summons was about … three months ago. The elves. Right? Not, like, some apology? You know, for not letting me know I’d been exonerated by the Guardian Council …”

  Pulou gave me a look that would have withered the bravest of souls. Then he took another bite of the chocolate. And apparently, that was all the answer I was going to get.

  “You’re supposed to suck it,” I said peevishly.

  He looked affronted. “Pardon me?”

  “I said … suck it.” Then I grinned. “The chocolate. What did you think I meant?”

  He narrowed his eyes at me, then glanced down at the bar.

  With an added spring in my step that came only from getting in the last word, I hustled back to the bathroom to finish drying my hair and to dash on some makeup. When I was done, I stood staring at my closet, having absolutely no idea what to wear for my bachelorette party.

  I felt the wards shift, admitting Kandy, Mory, and Rochelle into the bakery downstairs. They had found the oracle, apparently. Along with sushi, I hoped.

  I yanked on a newer pair of dark-wash jeans, cursing slightly when I had to give them a firm tug to get them over my thighs. A bra, a tank top, and a deep-green silk blouse that narrowed at the waist but flared prettily over my hips completed my outfit.

  I wandered out into the living area to find the treasure keeper overseeing the unpacking of the takeout onto my kitchen island. Mory was pulling plates out of the cupboards, and Rochelle was filling a glass pitcher that I didn’t even know I owned with water.

  I paused, momentarily thrown by the scene set out before me. No one but me looked the slightest bit fazed by the addition to our group. Since the far seer was Rochelle’s mentor — and rumor had it that she’d stood before the entire Guardian Council on my behalf — I could mostly justify her seemingly relaxed reaction. But seriously, the fur coat and the amount of space Pulou took up should at least have had the necromancer eyeing him. I couldn’t have been the only one who could see the danger simmering underneath the surface of the guardian? The brutal, exacting judgement that could twist and snap without hesitation?

  Then I realized that Pulou had dampened his magic so much that I couldn’t even catch a diluted hint of tea or cream at all.

  Apparently, it was just me he wanted to continually keep on edge. Ah, to once again be ignorant of the capricious ways of the powerful and manipulative. Those were the days …

  “This is way better,” Kandy said, completely ignoring me as I stood in the hall in all my staring, slack-mouthed glory. She had commandeered the remote and was in the process of putting on the first episode of Peaky Blinders. “Bloodier.”

  Pulou grunted noncommittally. He’d found the tempura prawns and was in the process of eating directly out of the styrofoam container.

  Kandy turned finally, eyed me head to toe critically, then jabbed a finger toward my bedroom. “You’re missing your T-shirt, dowser.” She pointed at her chest. She was wearing her orange I Do Bite T-shirt. Then she pointed at Rochelle.

  The oracle was wearing a black T-shirt with some white printing, but its message was hidden underneath a half-zipped, charcoal-gray sweater hoodie. The hoodie swamped Rochelle’s shoulders and was loose around her lower hips, but it fit snugly across her middle.

  “Oracle,” Kandy growled.

  Rochelle sighed, setting the pitcher down. She’d been filling glasses with water. She unzipped the hoodie, tugging it open to display her rounded belly and the words emblazoned across her chest: I see you when you’re sleeping, awake, and about to die.

  Kandy cackled madly.

  Rochelle shook her head, zipped her hoodie closed again, and turned back to the sink.

  “Now you, necromancer!” Kandy commanded.

  Mory popped what appeared to be a soy-sauce-soaked piece of California roll in her mouth, then pulled off her bright red poncho, sending all the beads knotted in the multicolored fringe clacking together. Her red T-shirt was printed in deep black: I knit so I don’t rip out your soul and send it straight to hell.

&nbs
p; Kandy fell back on the couch, laughing madly.

  Pulou started to chuckle, then guffaw. But more at Kandy’s antics than the shirt itself, I thought.

  Mory shook her head as she slung her poncho over the back of one of the stools at the kitchen island, then picked up a plate. “This entire container is veggie,” she said, pointing Rochelle toward a series of rolls.

  “Looks good.” The oracle set the pitcher beside the six water glasses she’d filled, then passed the necromancer and Pulou paper-wrapped chopsticks.

  “T-shirt, dowser,” Kandy said, still wiping tears of laughter from her cheeks as she climbed over the back of the couch and bellied up to the kitchen island.

  I spun on my heel, heading into my bedroom to quickly swap my silk blouse for the bright-green T-shirt Kandy had made for me a few months before. Thankfully, it was clean. And I was fairly certain that Blossom was actually ironing my T-shirts. Doubly thankfully, the sentiment printed across it in bold white lettering wasn’t wedding related. Never mind the cupcakes. I can totally kick your ass. Nothing with the word ‘Bridezilla’ in it.

  Back in the kitchen — as if there were nothing odd about one of the nine guardians of the magical world crashing my bachelorette dinner — we gathered around the kitchen island and filled our plates with tasty bits of sushi.

  As I claimed three ebi nigiri and a slice of salmon sashimi, I spoke quietly to Kandy. “Audrey? Lara?”

  “At the airport.” Kandy stuffed a roll that appeared to be filled with shaved beef in her mouth. Trust the werewolf to have found red meat at a sushi restaurant.

  “They’re actually leaving? Before the wedding?”

  Kandy side-eyed Pulou, but the guardian was peering at the vegetable tempura as if it might have been poisonous, completely ignoring us. Which meant he was hearing every word, though it seemed unlikely that he’d be overly concerned about wedding drama or possible Adept infighting. Guardians were as prejudiced as any other Adepts — and given that he was over five hundred years old, Pulou was maybe even more so.

  “It’s not you, dowser,” Kandy finally said. “They’ll try to get back for the wedding. Pack business. Desmond can’t leave Portland with Audrey out of town.”

  I nodded, letting the topic go. If Audrey wanted to be in a snit, I couldn’t do anything about it. The next time the pack needed a dowser, they would call, whether or not my ‘friend of the pack’ status had been revoked. And Jasmine had a lifetime to heal any unintentional breach of Adept etiquette, assuming she cared to do so.

  “Try one of these,” Mory said, eyeing Pulou’s plate. He had it piled high with teriyaki chicken and tempura. She nudged a prawn tempura roll toward him. “Except for the veggie bits, it isn’t raw.”

  He took the end roll — with the largest piece of prawn. Then he made sure it didn’t touch anything else on his plate.

  I stifled a smirk, because I really didn’t want to find the guardian amusing. He was too much of an asshole for me to want to forgive him over a single shared meal — at least not without him apologizing first.

  Our plates filled with food, we gathered in the living room and ate too much. And as we did, we listened to Pulou marvel at hidden razor blades, racy sex scenes, and ‘brilliant’ motorcars while we watched episode one of Peaky Binders.

  Jasmine slipped into the living room from the bakery stairwell, then proceeded to silently stalk around the back of the couch toward the kitchen. Obviously, the golden-haired vampire was attempting to not draw the attention of the fur-coat-swathed guardian who had eaten almost all the prawn tempura by himself. I could have told her not to bother. Pulou had likely known she was in the building the second she stepped through the wards, as I had.

  Rochelle was curled up on the far chair, texting. Kandy had been practically force-feeding her for the previous thirty minutes, insisting that she ‘eat some meat for the baby’s sake,’ and that no shifter could grow properly on rice and veggies. The oracle stonewalled the werewolf by simply nibbling on what she wanted and ignoring everything else. I squashed my own urge to mother Rochelle. Kandy had it more than under control. The oracle actually looked healthier than I’d ever seen her. And not just because I personally thought a touch of plumpness was becoming.

  Mory was crammed next to Pulou, who was taking up the entire middle section of my well-loved leather couch. Kandy was perched on the back of the couch, her feet on the seat cushion to Pulou’s right, but she gave no acknowledgement of the golden-haired vampire as she crossed behind her.

  “Jasmine,” I said quietly from my perch on a kitchen-island stool.

  “Your grandmother kicked me out,” she said, casting a concerned sideways glance at the back of Pulou’s head. The guardian’s gaze remained riveted to the TV.

  “Kicked you out?”

  Jasmine shrugged sadly. “Pearl insisted on dropping me off because she had dinner plans. She was getting annoyed by Kandy texting.”

  “Dinner plans? With, ah, a … date?” My mind boggled at the idea of my grandmother being involved with … anyone.

  Jasmine gave me a look. “Witch thing, I think. Not a sex thing.”

  “Delightful, vampire. Thanks for that image.”

  “Heads up, baby girl.” Kandy chucked a dark-brown T-shirt at Jasmine.

  The golden-haired vampire caught the edge of the shirt, but still got a face full of fabric. She spread it out shoulder to shoulder in either hand, assessing what was printed across the chest in bright white. Beware. Vampire in training.

  Jasmine sighed. “Do I have to?”

  Kandy started chortling.

  I jabbed my thumb toward my own chest. “Yep.”

  “But the T-shirts look so cute on you, dowser —”

  “Stop sucking up, vampire. And put it on!” Kandy pointed emphatically toward the hallway behind and to our right.

  Jasmine cast another concerned gaze at the back of Pulou’s head, then slipped away down the hall. If she were planning on cloistering herself away in my bedroom until Kandy made her come out, it wouldn’t have surprised me.

  Pulou suddenly straightened up, tilting his head as if listening to something. Mory stole a California roll off his neglected plate — right before a portal blew open in the doorway to my second bedroom.

  “What?” Kandy cried around a mouthful of food. “I thought you were staying for dancing?”

  Jesus. Please, no.

  Pulou chuckled, passing the rest of his food to Mory. She looked pleased, apparently too lazy to get off the couch and take the two steps to the kitchen island to refill her own plate. “Alas, no, my darling wolf.” As he stood, his fur coat almost knocked over the drinks scattered across the coffee table. “You will have to make do without me.”

  He sauntered toward the portal, turning back to grin at Kandy. “But I understand you requested the presence of my replacement.” His grin faded as he glanced across to where I was still perched on a stool near the island. “Wielder. As discussed.”

  “Gotcha, treasure keeper.”

  He narrowed his eyes at me.

  I grinned.

  Pulou grumbled something under his breath. Then he turned and walked through the portal.

  “My God,” Jasmine whispered, suddenly appearing beside me. She was shielding her eyes as she attempted to stare at the golden dragon magic. “That’s … that’s …”

  Kandy scoffed. “That ain’t nothing, baby girl. Wait until Jade drags you through one. Then you can really freak out.”

  Jasmine looked at me with saucer-wide, bright-blue eyes.

  “I’m not going to drag you through the portal,” I said.

  Mory, completely nonplussed, grabbed the remote and turned the volume up on the TV. I wasn’t sure when she might have seen a portal up close, let alone met a guardian … except, of course, for that time Sienna unleashed a horde of demons on the beach in Tofino. Though if that had been the case, it would have been Qiuniu who the necromancer met. And from my personal experience, there weren’t any two guardians so
vastly different from each other — both in power and in personal philosophy — as Pulou and the healer.

  Rochelle untucked her legs from the chair she’d commandeered. She got up a little awkwardly, then crossed around the island and poured herself another glass of water.

  The portal hadn’t closed.

  What had Pulou said? Something about a replacement.

  Please don’t be Suanmi. Please don’t be Suanmi. “Um, Kandy?”

  “Yes, oh dowser of mine?”

  “You didn’t invite —”

  Haoxin, the petite blond guardian of North America, wandered through the portal into my living room. She was dressed in skinny-legged skintight jeans, envy-worthy high-heeled ankle boots, and a silk peasant blouse that narrowed at her upper waist to perfectly show off her curves.

  The portal snapped shut behind her.

  “Guardian!” Kandy crowed.

  “Yes.” Haoxin smiled pleasantly, taking in the room with a single glance that assessed and calculated every bit of power, exit, and edible item within it. “You were expecting me?”

  The question was for me. I remembered to stand — and the fact that greeting any and all guardians formally was expected. Of course, Haoxin’s and my relationship was rather complicated by the fact that I wore the prophesied item of her death around my neck. “Guardian. You are very welcome.”

  Jasmine slipped in behind me. Not exactly cowering, but definitely avoiding drawing attention.

  Kandy yanked a heathered blue T-shirt out of her backpack. Yes, the purple dinosaur pack had made a reappearance. My BFF held the T-shirt aloft, spinning to show off the white printing emblazoned across it. Fueled by coffee. And epic mystical powers.

  Haoxin laughed, utterly delighted. Then she proceeded to shuck her blouse and tug the T-shirt on right in the middle of the living room. She was wearing a pretty cornflower-blue bra with white daisies on the straps.

  Kandy grinned. Okay, she leered. Then she glanced over and wagged her eyebrows at Jasmine, who looked utterly affronted.

  “So?” Haoxin spun to show off the T-shirt, which fit her perfectly.